I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
