she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
