I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
