My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
