So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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