at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
