your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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