Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
