false alarm. still invincible.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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