My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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