my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
