how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
