I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
