I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I use my feet as sexual weapons
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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