Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
