Dude my mom stole all your condoms
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
