Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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