i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
