i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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