i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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