I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
