i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There's always time for handjobs
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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