You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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