I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
