There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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