I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
