i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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