Your dad touched me again.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
