The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
