I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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