I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
