Don't make out with my wife yet
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
