Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
