You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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