I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
