Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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