im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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