I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
