The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
