I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
