"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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