I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
