it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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