Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just pee around me
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
