All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
