There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
