I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
