I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
