you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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