I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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