I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Please don't give away my fajitas
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
