Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
