Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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