My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
